aside from the list

I have come to a major revelation. I am driven by connection. My life feels so much less when I am not part of a true connection. When I talk about connection, I don't mean a love affair or anything specific. But there is an honesty and truth about connecting on such a deep level that it then sustains one even if you don't make contact with that person daily. I know a lot of people and am friends with many but it is very rare that I have that connection. When I read about people and their relationships, it appears that connection is not a universal drive. It is not a physical sense but a metaphysical understanding of another person and an acceptance of them that overrides any petty societal or personal barriers. The strangest thing is that as I grow older, people seem less inclined to connect. We all seem lost in our own worlds where the focus is on satiating the ego.

Advice on how the world works and what it all means

I am trying to make sense of it all. (That would be me and a million others over the decades.) It is just crushing that not only do I follow the existentialist angst but also fall into the middle class pit as well. Viva stereotypes viva.

I think that life lessons only work in specific contexts. I read about people (usually the aged and wise) who pass on their sense of what it is all about... but it doesn't make sense for me as I live my life. Anyone who has read 'Tuesdays with Morrie' but who isn't part of mainstream society will connect. I hope.

If you don't fall into the classic mould of married with children and exist within a western environment, you aren't going to relate to the advice from the book. If you have chosen a different path or were even born into an alternative one then you need to create your own advice or look for different role models.

It fascinates me that there aren't a mass of role models that fall out of the norm of western christian patriarchal socety. Even with the Internet and the sense of a global village, we all still wither under the American Dream. It just must be about marrying, having children, earning a lot of money, being recognised by our peers, proving ourselves and leaving a legacy. And there has been an add on of creating a charity or giving of yourself in a way that makes a mark on the world. While many of these characteristics are shared and lauded across various lifestyles, it still isn't a one size fits all.

What we do seem to share, across all divides, is the search for happiness and fulfillment. It just means different things to different people and I don't think people are getting that. It is touched on in mass communication but there isn't enough depth so that people truly understand that they need to create their own paths and/or recognise that they must search out their own role models because we do not all follow the same path.

So I am creating my own list - my advice to me. Perhaps by detangling the confusion in my head something new will be created. (And if it doesn't, no animals were harmed in the creating of this piece. So all is good.)

What you need to know about life if you happen to be an independent-thinking woman who is single with no dependants, embraces multi-perspectives in life, works for herself, has suffered a chronic illness for a significant proportion of her adult life, is non-sexist, non-racist and anti-homophobia.... I think that about covers it.

1. As trite as it sounds, the crappy things that happen to you really do teach you about life. There really are lessons to be learnt and a lot of jokes to be made. I don't think there has been one obstacle that hasn't enriched me on some level. It makes it easier when you have to overcome the challenges... knowing that you are gaining in the process.
2. Looks really do count. No matter that you read anything different, it just isn't true. A woman's currency is still largely invested in the way she looks. You can make this work for you by playing the system and then subverting it. But, at this point in human evolution, ignoring it will only harm you and your progress both internally and externally.

(Bugger. Work beckons. The list shall continue at a later date. )

Welcome 2010

Aaaaaaaaaaaargh. Having a blog is no light undertaking. It's almost been a year since my last post. Good grief. Well here goes me trying again. Shees this is insane.

This last year has been a blur. The focus has been on surviving the Crohn's and trying to find a way to make my life work as a bigger picture. It's like my life hit pause... again. But there is good news. I recently had a colonoscopy/gastroscopy and for the first time in around four years, the specialist says there is improvement.

It is an immense thing to take in. I hadn't realised how much I had internalised the words from various doctors - especially the mutterings of death and how I was "at the end of the road". It meant putting my life on hold even if it was a subconscious decision.

Being told there is hope. Wow. It was as if this doom blanket had been lifted off my shoulders. So now I am trying to work out how to make my life work because while there has been improvement I still have to cope with low energy levels and fuzzed up head where focussing is difficult. I am still angry that half of my thirties was taken away. But that is a whole other story.

This year really is a new start for me. Here is to 2010.

Are you up for it?

So its already February and a new year. Am I worried? No. I disappeared from the virtual space because my mother caught freaking flesh-eating bacteria in her right arm. Africa is not for sissies.

Not on my watch

Today I woke up and forgot that I was not on holiday yet. Then I panicked and made ready. But I got lost and arrived as half a worker at the computer. I tried to organise. My stomach was queasy. I lay down. I stared at the pc. I sent a few emails. I lay down. I brushed my teeth. I realised it had been months and I hadn't picked up my cheque book. I walked to the mall. I waited for a long time in a line, sweating while I drowned out other people with my iPod. I got angry at the bank teller. I felt bad. I had an illicit felafel. I felt ill. I walked home. I wanted to vomit. I lay down and passed out. Later I woke up and took painkillers. I called a friend and apologised as I would not be able to go to his housewarming. I was nauseous, my body was queasy and there was blood coming out my bum. Now I am back at the pc and have nothing to say.

Pick me!

When I was young and thought about what it would like to be older, I never thought I would be someone who was nicely turned out. But I am. Chipped nail polish makes me cringe. I actually feel a little ill if I am not wearing make up. Someone recently tagged me as 'elegant' in a Facebook photo. If you threw the dictionary at me, I wouldn't have chosen that word. I have always been the dishevelled rebel but somehow mutated without realising it.

So I placed a photo of myself on my cellphone as wallpaper. It's my link to the external visual presentation. I don't think I could pick me out in a police line up. Now I am training myself to recognise myself. Not an easy journey.

you-wreck-her

I have been trying to work out what makes women want to be with a man so badly that she will change who she is. Perhaps it is validation. Ok, I am sure there are many women who only truly feel real when they are reflected in the eyes of men.

But I am not talking about them specifically. What about other women? The ones who are happy on their own. The ones who don't specifically seek a man to make them complete. What about them?

Then I realised I had the question wrong. I was focusing in too closely on the gender roles. It was about a broader social connection. Women desire to be part of a larger sense of being. We want to be connected. We want to feel as if someone 'gets us', someone cares and that there is a connection. We want to be believe that we can make a difference through our connection.

We can be solitary, crusading, homebodies, businesswomen, cavewomen but women react to how they are defined in another's eyes. Genetic or socially engineered? Does it make us better mothers? Does it ensure that we fulfil the role of society's carer? Is that what gives us that mythical sense of empathy?

What it does do, in my view, is leave us in a vulnerable position. When any object positions itself in direct relation to something else, there is no missing the impact that can have. Your position is defined with regards to something else which leaves you with little control. And without just a bit of control, women become the children of the universe - just that bit innocent and weaker.

I understand that it may make us tune into the world and that there are many positives. But I think women should acknowledge this vulnerability. Why do we, women, always want to find that which will make us more whole? Because we believe the connection will complete us. For some it is the connection with a lover, for others with a friend or children or a cause, but it is about finding ourselves within that connection.

I cannot decide if that makes us closer to God or just incredibly vulnerable. But we need to see ourselves for what we are. It will take power away from the relative positioning. Perhaps then we will start to climb out of our emotional spirals.