Tuesday 16 January 2007
Hamster pooping
I was hoping that this year would be different. That I would be organised and everything would run more smoothly. But I am riding the hamster circle again, fighting with my health just to barely keep up. And I am not keeping up. I don't know what to do but this cannot go on.
Tuesday 9 January 2007
Wednesday 3 January 2007
tie me up, tie me down
I was born with dreams. I don't think there was a moment when I didn't believe that anything is possible. Possibly it is part of my genetic makeup, or perhaps a sign of these more liberated times. I live in a country that encourages entrepreneurs. My siblings all have their own businesses. My mother has always held down at least three jobs. No matter what was thrown at me, I viewed it as an obstacle to be crossed. More than just a challenge, something I could learn from. But I don't think I ever imagined a constant obstacle.
What do you do if you have a disease where there is no cure? Where you don't know what each day will bring? Where one moment your hips are in so much pain you cannot walk, and the next you are vomiting so much you have no energy left... It is like a circular wall that has been painted with cooking oil. You cannot climb it and you have no idea where you will land. But each day you must go on, no matter what.
It grinds you down. At first you don't notice and then a few years down the line you realise you are living the life of an eighty year old. You are thirty six. It wears your physical body down but, even more devastating, is it wears down your dreams. They slowly flitter away as you focus on the most basic things, like getting enough sleep.
Last year was terrible. This year hasn't started well. Sometimes I just want to lie down and go to sleep, and never wake up.
But then I think... could I ever leave icecream behind?
What do you do if you have a disease where there is no cure? Where you don't know what each day will bring? Where one moment your hips are in so much pain you cannot walk, and the next you are vomiting so much you have no energy left... It is like a circular wall that has been painted with cooking oil. You cannot climb it and you have no idea where you will land. But each day you must go on, no matter what.
It grinds you down. At first you don't notice and then a few years down the line you realise you are living the life of an eighty year old. You are thirty six. It wears your physical body down but, even more devastating, is it wears down your dreams. They slowly flitter away as you focus on the most basic things, like getting enough sleep.
Last year was terrible. This year hasn't started well. Sometimes I just want to lie down and go to sleep, and never wake up.
But then I think... could I ever leave icecream behind?
Tuesday 2 January 2007
Just one
I have made one resolution. It's a big thing to make just one because if you don't achieve it, it can't be lost amongst the myriad of other resolutions. There is an all-time humongous focus on that one resolution. Ok so here goes... my resolution is:
I will not stress.
(For those that know me, here is a tissue to stop the tears of laughter.)
I will not stress.
(For those that know me, here is a tissue to stop the tears of laughter.)
Monday 1 January 2007
Exaltation of food
I love food. Probably not in a healthy way. Okay definitely not. I use it for comfort, for sanctuary, for bliss. I have moved on from eating anything that is in front of me to desiring good food. This is definitely a step up. I dream of eateries that offer exquisite foods that tantalise my palate. I have investigated my relationship with food and know it isn't perfect but at 36 I am not sure how much I will be changing in the next few years. Is it possible to turn over years of perversion?
I still have this ideosyncracy of desiring inaccessible food. If I am at someone else's house and there is food, even if it is bad food, I want it desperately. I try to eat it as quickly as possible. I gorge. It is not a pretty sight. No matter how many times I tell myself that I can go and buy the food any time, my sense of lack drives me to eat and eat and eat. Don't ask about buffets. It is like seeing a pig at the height of gluttony.
I always see the faces of those around me. They watch as I devour with no social graces. I can feel their distaste but I cannot stop myself. It is forbidden food and I only have a limited time to take it in. Nothing can stop me.
I often think of food. I have even dreamed of it. The funny thing is I am not a cook. Making food doesn't interest me. If I create it, it is like cardboard on my palate. Unless it is a sandwich - food for the gods in my distorted home world.
But the universe has an extreme sense of humour. I have a chronic disease that doesn't actually allow me to eat most things. I live with longing. And when I succumb to my food desires, it is followed by intense pain. Most of my favourite tastes create such disorder in my digestive system that, unless I am so blinded to consequence, I cannot inhale them.
When I ignore consequence and it lands on my body, it is like a torture chamber. I cannot sleep, eat or think. The pain is all consuming. Often it involves vomiting. All the desired comes out in a gelatinous mess that makes me even more ill. The body purging then makes me so tired I cannot move. So I lie down and think of food. But this is the only time it makes me feel ill. I don't want it. I swear never to eat again.
Then my body calms itself. Only twinges of pain remain. The longing for food becomes stronger. Finally, days maybe weeks later, it overcomes the memory of the pain and I belly flop into a food experience. I hope that if I eat fast my body won't realise and I can trick it. But then the pain begins again and I am lost.
I still have this ideosyncracy of desiring inaccessible food. If I am at someone else's house and there is food, even if it is bad food, I want it desperately. I try to eat it as quickly as possible. I gorge. It is not a pretty sight. No matter how many times I tell myself that I can go and buy the food any time, my sense of lack drives me to eat and eat and eat. Don't ask about buffets. It is like seeing a pig at the height of gluttony.
I always see the faces of those around me. They watch as I devour with no social graces. I can feel their distaste but I cannot stop myself. It is forbidden food and I only have a limited time to take it in. Nothing can stop me.
I often think of food. I have even dreamed of it. The funny thing is I am not a cook. Making food doesn't interest me. If I create it, it is like cardboard on my palate. Unless it is a sandwich - food for the gods in my distorted home world.
But the universe has an extreme sense of humour. I have a chronic disease that doesn't actually allow me to eat most things. I live with longing. And when I succumb to my food desires, it is followed by intense pain. Most of my favourite tastes create such disorder in my digestive system that, unless I am so blinded to consequence, I cannot inhale them.
When I ignore consequence and it lands on my body, it is like a torture chamber. I cannot sleep, eat or think. The pain is all consuming. Often it involves vomiting. All the desired comes out in a gelatinous mess that makes me even more ill. The body purging then makes me so tired I cannot move. So I lie down and think of food. But this is the only time it makes me feel ill. I don't want it. I swear never to eat again.
Then my body calms itself. Only twinges of pain remain. The longing for food becomes stronger. Finally, days maybe weeks later, it overcomes the memory of the pain and I belly flop into a food experience. I hope that if I eat fast my body won't realise and I can trick it. But then the pain begins again and I am lost.
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