Advice on how the world works and what it all means

I am trying to make sense of it all. (That would be me and a million others over the decades.) It is just crushing that not only do I follow the existentialist angst but also fall into the middle class pit as well. Viva stereotypes viva.

I think that life lessons only work in specific contexts. I read about people (usually the aged and wise) who pass on their sense of what it is all about... but it doesn't make sense for me as I live my life. Anyone who has read 'Tuesdays with Morrie' but who isn't part of mainstream society will connect. I hope.

If you don't fall into the classic mould of married with children and exist within a western environment, you aren't going to relate to the advice from the book. If you have chosen a different path or were even born into an alternative one then you need to create your own advice or look for different role models.

It fascinates me that there aren't a mass of role models that fall out of the norm of western christian patriarchal socety. Even with the Internet and the sense of a global village, we all still wither under the American Dream. It just must be about marrying, having children, earning a lot of money, being recognised by our peers, proving ourselves and leaving a legacy. And there has been an add on of creating a charity or giving of yourself in a way that makes a mark on the world. While many of these characteristics are shared and lauded across various lifestyles, it still isn't a one size fits all.

What we do seem to share, across all divides, is the search for happiness and fulfillment. It just means different things to different people and I don't think people are getting that. It is touched on in mass communication but there isn't enough depth so that people truly understand that they need to create their own paths and/or recognise that they must search out their own role models because we do not all follow the same path.

So I am creating my own list - my advice to me. Perhaps by detangling the confusion in my head something new will be created. (And if it doesn't, no animals were harmed in the creating of this piece. So all is good.)

What you need to know about life if you happen to be an independent-thinking woman who is single with no dependants, embraces multi-perspectives in life, works for herself, has suffered a chronic illness for a significant proportion of her adult life, is non-sexist, non-racist and anti-homophobia.... I think that about covers it.

1. As trite as it sounds, the crappy things that happen to you really do teach you about life. There really are lessons to be learnt and a lot of jokes to be made. I don't think there has been one obstacle that hasn't enriched me on some level. It makes it easier when you have to overcome the challenges... knowing that you are gaining in the process.
2. Looks really do count. No matter that you read anything different, it just isn't true. A woman's currency is still largely invested in the way she looks. You can make this work for you by playing the system and then subverting it. But, at this point in human evolution, ignoring it will only harm you and your progress both internally and externally.

(Bugger. Work beckons. The list shall continue at a later date. )

Anti-anti-routine blues

We are all held by delicate threads that call themselves routine but are in fact the reason we are able to climb into our beds at night without anarchy destroying the fabric of our lives. This may all sound a little bit like hypochondria for the existentialist but, after living for some years on this planet, I know this to be true.

I often think about routine. And the conclusions I reach reflect my age. My resistance to routine used to be the badge of youth. I would stand up against the need to fulfill the basic step step of life because it meant buying into mediocrity. If I followed routine I would become the epitome of suburbia. I would have bought into the life that I actively disagreed with. Why would I want to be a replica of a million other subjugated women? Rebellion against routine was part of my cry for an individual voice.

But I did not know the truth. Human beings follow the basics of scientific law. Without a bit of moulding, a squidgeon of direction, we move towards lethargy. We could probably sit all day on our well-rounded little bottoms if sustenance was all sorted. To be fair, we would probably need some entertainment. A thousand books and a world of escapist visuals leave us occupied for hours... for a lifetime. But then the internal cuckoo clock juts out his head. (Maybe her head?) And we look at all we have not achieved and we sigh.

While there is drama in using the plural, I should stand up for what I am. I can waste away hours and days in a world without routine. When I am faced with no structure, I drift. If I'm lucky I am thrown into interesting situations but that means leaving it up to chance. And chance isnt always kind. Routine brings a form of much-needed structure into my life. However I only learnt this in my late thirties.

Youth was about carrying the beacon for anti-establishment. It was a small light but it belonged to me. That I could decide what time I brushed my teeth felt like a victory. While heroes were destroying injustices I was fighting my own battles in suburbia. They felt as big.

There is a cliché: sometimes you need to lose the battle to win the war. I think maybe this is a bit like that. I fought desperately against routine and truly believed I was part of the last outpost. But routine is part of commitment. Commitment is part of defining a life that transcends description. So once my pithy little brain had got round that concept I am now in the process of trying to create a routine that is part of my individuality and that allows me to move onto larger feats.

it isn't easy.

I have to retrain myself and my need to rebel. But I have learnt that without routine it is not that easy to achieve my goals, to balance my life, to steady my unquiet mind. Routine is in its own way a western meditation device.

I want to be more than I am.