you-wreck-her

I have been trying to work out what makes women want to be with a man so badly that she will change who she is. Perhaps it is validation. Ok, I am sure there are many women who only truly feel real when they are reflected in the eyes of men.

But I am not talking about them specifically. What about other women? The ones who are happy on their own. The ones who don't specifically seek a man to make them complete. What about them?

Then I realised I had the question wrong. I was focusing in too closely on the gender roles. It was about a broader social connection. Women desire to be part of a larger sense of being. We want to be connected. We want to feel as if someone 'gets us', someone cares and that there is a connection. We want to be believe that we can make a difference through our connection.

We can be solitary, crusading, homebodies, businesswomen, cavewomen but women react to how they are defined in another's eyes. Genetic or socially engineered? Does it make us better mothers? Does it ensure that we fulfil the role of society's carer? Is that what gives us that mythical sense of empathy?

What it does do, in my view, is leave us in a vulnerable position. When any object positions itself in direct relation to something else, there is no missing the impact that can have. Your position is defined with regards to something else which leaves you with little control. And without just a bit of control, women become the children of the universe - just that bit innocent and weaker.

I understand that it may make us tune into the world and that there are many positives. But I think women should acknowledge this vulnerability. Why do we, women, always want to find that which will make us more whole? Because we believe the connection will complete us. For some it is the connection with a lover, for others with a friend or children or a cause, but it is about finding ourselves within that connection.

I cannot decide if that makes us closer to God or just incredibly vulnerable. But we need to see ourselves for what we are. It will take power away from the relative positioning. Perhaps then we will start to climb out of our emotional spirals.