The public/private dichotomy

I have had Crohn's Disease for what feels like forever. For many years I just decided to ignore it. However, my body didn't cooperate with me. The disease got progressively worse. My denial became stronger, in tandem with any worsening. I felt like I housed a split personality. In private, I was in severe pain and tears. My public face could not have been stronger and more capable. Then 2006 happened.

My body revolted. For about 4 months I could barely hold any food down. I felt like the universe had decided I would be a bulimic whether I wanted to be one or not. There were days I couldn't get out of bed. My hip joints had become so painful that at times I couldn't walk. Then I would slide around on my bum, pushing with my hands. (Apparently as a baby I did this instead of crawling. Perhaps it was my way of returning to my childhood.) Food was the enemy yet at the same time I craved it every minute of the day.

I had an inaccessible gastoenterologist. If his appointment book wasn't full then he was away on conference or attending to family business. It was 5 months from the start of the severe symptoms that I was able to get an appointment. The consultation wasn't a success. He didn't see beyond the strong public face and wouldn't believe my words. He only scheduled an investigation for a month ahead.

Close to 6 months later, I went for the prerequisite blood tests. The gastro phoned me that evening. He proceeded to tell me how sick I am :| All I could think was that my explanation of what was happening had meant nothing. He actually didn't listen to me. At all. He checked me into hospital immediately.

This pattern of ignoring the human for the tests continued. In some macabre way it paralleled my reluctance to admit I had something wrong with me. It took 4 hospital visits, a change of doctors and a talking to from my family to get me to accept my state of health. Oh yes and a lot of laughter. When the first gastro told me I had a fairly rare form of Crohn's, I replied, "I feel so special." This humour wasn't shared by the doctor. (Is it part of the profile to have no soul?)

So now I Take Responsibility... which doesn't really gel with my life of no routine. The positive is that it has brought me my very own new obsession. I now log into a Crohn's Disease forum at least every few hours. Oh the joy.