tie me up, tie me down

I was born with dreams. I don't think there was a moment when I didn't believe that anything is possible. Possibly it is part of my genetic makeup, or perhaps a sign of these more liberated times. I live in a country that encourages entrepreneurs. My siblings all have their own businesses. My mother has always held down at least three jobs. No matter what was thrown at me, I viewed it as an obstacle to be crossed. More than just a challenge, something I could learn from. But I don't think I ever imagined a constant obstacle.

What do you do if you have a disease where there is no cure? Where you don't know what each day will bring? Where one moment your hips are in so much pain you cannot walk, and the next you are vomiting so much you have no energy left... It is like a circular wall that has been painted with cooking oil. You cannot climb it and you have no idea where you will land. But each day you must go on, no matter what.

It grinds you down. At first you don't notice and then a few years down the line you realise you are living the life of an eighty year old. You are thirty six. It wears your physical body down but, even more devastating, is it wears down your dreams. They slowly flitter away as you focus on the most basic things, like getting enough sleep.

Last year was terrible. This year hasn't started well. Sometimes I just want to lie down and go to sleep, and never wake up.



But then I think... could I ever leave icecream behind?