smoke-free zone

When I went hospital, I gave up smoking. Just like that. It wasn't so bad when I was in a different environment but once I got home and back to my routineless routines, it was bizarrely difficult. I feel like I am crack addict. The idea of smoking fills my brain most of the day and it is already 3 weeks.

The physical cravings went After 2 weeks but the psychological craving doesn't seem to want to let up. Smoking filled a space in my life that I wasn't ready to give up. It marked the time in my days. It allowed me to stop thinking. It put my life on hold. Before I did anything, I smoked. When I need a break, I smoked. Now I have my life ahead of me and I am not sure that I like what I am seeing. Before, I could have clouded the realisation with a smoke. Now there is just endless time ahead of me. Endless potential to be filled.

I have to face my faults head on now. There is no pause button and my brain is having problems dealing with this. Smoking was a pause from life, in every way. It brings you closer to death. You ride the edge but do it in a 'safe' way.

Now that I am an almost non-smoker, I am propelled forward by Oprah moments. I must live my best life. I must fulfil my potential. I must create change. I should make a difference. There is no pause.

The frenzy of life

I have been asking people what wakes them up in the morning. You know, what gets them ready to face the day. Mostly people don't know, they just don't think about it. How can you live each day and not think about why you are here? I don't know what I am more concerned about - that people don't examine their lives or that there doesn't seem to be a really good reason for being on this planet.

Even more stupefying is that the people I asked were surprised that it is an issue. How can you not live in every day, every moment? I mean actually live in it. What are you doing now? How are you contributing? Are your actions making a difference? No wonder society is against euthanasia, the sheep people are living comatose lives anyway. Why would you want to end the life of a visually apparent coma when it reflects your existence?

Up down up down

Time flies. I would rather it fry because then maybe I could learn to cook but it doesn't. I have been in hospital and thus blogless for a while. I now know that I have a rotten large intestine and have to take an insanely expensive medication which is to be a wonder drug. Perfect.

But all is well in the world of me-woman. For a while I thought I was having a middle age crisis. Then I realised that I might be too young for that. Then I thought maybe not. It was the depression angst merry-go-round. I got off this week. Medication? Oh no. Magazines! I have found the meaning of Liff and it is typeset (ok lithoed). I am now committing to blogging at least three times a week. Creating vacuousness for the vacuum. See? Liff has meaning.

Hamster pooping

I was hoping that this year would be different. That I would be organised and everything would run more smoothly. But I am riding the hamster circle again, fighting with my health just to barely keep up. And I am not keeping up. I don't know what to do but this cannot go on.

New year AAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh

I am so not prepared for this.

tie me up, tie me down

I was born with dreams. I don't think there was a moment when I didn't believe that anything is possible. Possibly it is part of my genetic makeup, or perhaps a sign of these more liberated times. I live in a country that encourages entrepreneurs. My siblings all have their own businesses. My mother has always held down at least three jobs. No matter what was thrown at me, I viewed it as an obstacle to be crossed. More than just a challenge, something I could learn from. But I don't think I ever imagined a constant obstacle.

What do you do if you have a disease where there is no cure? Where you don't know what each day will bring? Where one moment your hips are in so much pain you cannot walk, and the next you are vomiting so much you have no energy left... It is like a circular wall that has been painted with cooking oil. You cannot climb it and you have no idea where you will land. But each day you must go on, no matter what.

It grinds you down. At first you don't notice and then a few years down the line you realise you are living the life of an eighty year old. You are thirty six. It wears your physical body down but, even more devastating, is it wears down your dreams. They slowly flitter away as you focus on the most basic things, like getting enough sleep.

Last year was terrible. This year hasn't started well. Sometimes I just want to lie down and go to sleep, and never wake up.



But then I think... could I ever leave icecream behind?

Just one

I have made one resolution. It's a big thing to make just one because if you don't achieve it, it can't be lost amongst the myriad of other resolutions. There is an all-time humongous focus on that one resolution. Ok so here goes... my resolution is:

I will not stress.

(For those that know me, here is a tissue to stop the tears of laughter.)